Don’t worry, he’ll miss you. He screwed up & you did absolutely nothing wrong. He failed. He’s not smart enough. If he was smart, he would have realized what he was saying goodbye to. But he didn’t, & now he’s gone. Don’t call him telling him you miss him. Don’t even call him just to hear his voice and hang up. Don’t do it. You don’t miss him, you miss what you used to be. Right now your waiting for someone to prove to you, that you don’t need him. I promise that person is right around the corner, but you have to let go of him & his bullshit first. He’ll be back one day, it will be him calling you saying he misses you every night. He’ll have his friends ask you if you still care about him. It will be your turn to just say, fuck you. You had me and you messed it all up. For now, find every reason to be happy without him. Don’t message him, don’t comment him, don’t talk to him in the hallways. Just smile at him, and remind him that he let go of a perfect girl.
Now your heart broken, tears in ya face. Ask myself why, looking at the sky, if I could turn back, I’ll make it right.
Fuck thinking about you. Fuck missing you. Fuck how it used to be. Fuck wanting it back. Fuck loving you. Fuck all the shit you put me through. Fuck the past two years. Fuck all the tears. Fuck the memories. Fuck the pictures. Fuck the promises you just couldn’t keep. Fuck the lies. Fuck the drama. Fuck the bullshit. Fuck hoping it will ever change. Fuck remembering. Fuck forgetting. Fuck the dreams. Fuck the plans. Fuck every time you went away. Fuck that bitch. Fuck you. And fuck today.
I don’t know what it is but I don’t have enough self confidence or self esteem to post pictures of myself on websites. There are times where I’ll be like, “well damn, I look good in this picture” but other than that, nothing. I don’t know what it is. I see all these guys and girls on tumblr, twitter, and facebook just posting the ugliest pictures of themselves with no shame. I can’t do that. I get soo self conscious and scared. I mean every once in a while I’ll put a picture up that I think is good enough to post up but I get really scared in the back of my mind. I mean I am confident in myself enough to walk out my house with my hair in a bun, wearing sweatpants and not giving two shits. But posting it online? Never. Maybe it’s because I know that as soon as it goes up on the internet, it’ll stay there forever. Going out in public, I’ll probably NEVER see half the people that see me soo ugly ever again. Maybe it’s because I’m not an attention seeker. I don’t care for what people have to say about me when I walk out my house. But there’s something really intimidating about how people will see me when they see me through the internet. I don’t know, maybe it’s me. It’s weird.
I miss talking to you on the phone. I miss you calling me ‘babe/baby.’ I miss our conversations. I miss having your comfort, even if its just hearing your voice. I miss you checking up on me and calling me. I miss you singing to me. I just miss you, I miss the person I use to be with you.
I’m soo glad I got myself out of the ongoing problem we created for ourselves. For the longest time I was settling. I was settling because I thought it was my job to deal with you. I thought that maybe with time, everything you’ve said to me would actually be proven. I thought that the actions would soon after come after the words, but it didn’t. I waited too long for something that would never come. We both know you weren’t ready, and still aren’t ready. You were never mature enough to be with me.
I’m not gonna lie and say we were never happy, because we were. When things were good, they were really good. However, when they were bad, they were horrible. I always told myself that the good will always outweigh the bad. That’s why I stayed. I stayed because you were what I was used to. I always had you there for me. You were my support system. You’ve become my best friend. Towards the end, things were falling apart at a rapid pace.
I don’t regret us. I don’t regret ever being with you. I just regret settling for soo long because of my fear of being alone forever. I wish you the best, even though you don’t wish the same for me.
There’s always that guy that wants to save that one girl from a dysfunctional relationship. There’s the guy that wants to show that girl, she deserves better. He wants her to realize she doesn’t have to sit there & put up with bullshit, when there’s guys out there that can make her his queen. & if the girl’s smart enough, she’ll open her eyes & start to realize what everyone’s talking about. It eventually always happens, she leaves the douche for the guy that claims he can do “better”.
It seems like after time goes by, he starts to turn out to be the person he completely said he’s not. Maybe i’m wrong? But from experience i’ve witness this at least once. & i come across this situation again, i’m with a new person. So far? I feel like it’s different. He’s been trying to prove to me he’s not like the rest. I just hope & pray, this time is different. I don’t like making the same mistake.. TWICE. Not once has he disrespected me & i’ve known him for 4 years. He’s seen what i’ve been through & i believe that’s the reason he respects me so much. I’m not gna sit here & jinx it by saying it’s gna be like this the whole time.. even tho i hope it is. I’m just enjoying it day by day, hoping it won’t fade.